If It’s Hairy, It’s Not Love

The fear of loneliness, change, and remorse holds us in relationships that no longer offer us anything  that takes us further away from our own lives and ultimately brings us more trouble and bitterness than happiness.

Sometimes we think this will be transient, or that the other party will still change their behavior, but most of the time it won’t happen. What actually happens is a lack of love. You talk about it, but you don’t really feel it in your body and soul… The relationship is already dead and it’s time to make decisions so you can get better, despite all your limiting fears.

Love also ends

Hyperromanticism has bombarded us with some really unhealthy and harmful thoughts about love and relationships. Movies, songs, and poems have taught us that love is the one and only thing that can provide meaning to our lives; that if it is true love it will last forever; that we have to put up with anything in the name of love, etc. And this is not only unhealthy for our own spiritual well-being, but it is also completely unfounded and erroneous information.

Love does not always last forever. This is perfectly normal and has also been scientifically proven. Nor does it offer meaning to anyone’s life. The meaning of our lives is not determined by external factors, but rather by ourselves, utilizing our own interpretation of the world and our ability to appreciate and enjoy things. And we don’t have to put up with everything for the sake of love.

 Of course, tolerating certain things in your partner is normal and healthy. We know that no one is perfect and that people have to put up with many things in us, just as we have to put up with many things in them.

The problem is when we tolerate things that are contrary to our identity, our rights, or our values. Or when we, in its simplicity, find that the other party no longer cares about us or supports us. It is their right to do so and live as they wish, but the moment that happens, that relationship has come to an end and you can no longer call it love.

Naturally, everyone loves in their own special way. Some people are much more affectionate, loving, and expressive than others, but there are some details that we should never ignore. Lack of respect; violation of personal rights; manipulation or attempt to change the way you think, feel and live; none of these are negotiable. If another person really loves you, he loves you just the way you are and he has chosen you because you are who you are. Therefore, there is no point in him trying to change you, hurt you, or manipulate you.

Through these reflections, you too can reflect on your current relationship and observe yourself from the outside. Do you smile often? Or do you spend your day sad and quarreling?  Are you more relaxed with other people than your own partner? Be honest with yourself when answering each question.

How do you make a decision?

If you come to the conclusion that in your situation, love attracts attention in its absence, that it no longer exists, but your fears prevent you from choosing a new direction, then it is good to think about it in a sensible and practical way. Follow these tips:

• Love yourself. Don’t let anyone else treat you in a way that you yourself know is other than what you deserve. No one deserves to be in a relationship where they are ignored, disregarded, cared for, or supported. But if you allow that to happen, then it will continue to happen. Therefore, you should set boundaries, despite your fear of change. You are individually you and you can only be that if you learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself more than anyone else.
• Learn to let go. Not all relationships go well and this reality occurs all over the world at all times. When that happens,  don’t try to force things to happen. Don’t go on with something that doesn’t work. The most sensible and intelligent thing to do is to know how to let go and withdraw with dignity.
• Stop dramatizing. What is the worst thing that can happen if you leave this relationship? You don’t need that person. Before you met him you didn’t even know he existed, but you were calm and happy, which means he’s not vital to you. The worst that can happen is something you’re ready for, so you should face the situation calmly,  knowing you don’t need anyone to be happy, and even less something specific. You are responsible for whether   or not you are depressed into depression or any other mental disorder.