Albert Ellis’ Simple Exercise To Defeat Shame

Shame is a feeling that activates every time we think we have violated a social norm. It has a powerful function of social regulation. For millions of years, it has contributed to gaining acceptance within the group and, as a result, to our survival. Shame is still a part of our society, but sometimes it manifests itself in inappropriate situations.

There are situations we may call risky because we know with a high probability that we will be ashamed. Do others reject us? Probably not, but that’s what we think. We also brand this unlikely event as horrible. Because we already believe in advance that we will be rejected, we activate shame. Shame triggers actions aimed at protecting us from possible rejection.

There are two ways to stop feeling unnecessary shame. One is to convince ourselves through internal dialogue that we have no evidence to show that the environment does not accept us. Or even if we did, we don’t need worldwide approval.

Another way is to take the risk of shame voluntarily. To this end, cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis designed a series of exercises. What is their goal? Absolute self-acceptance.

Albert Ellis and exercises to defeat shame

What Albert Ellis aimed these exercises at was to make the person doing them see their value unchanged. Whoever we are and no matter how we act, our values ​​will always remain the same. By thinking this way, we can live much more freely. We live according to what we need and what we believe, not according to whether the environment accepts us or not.

The worst that can happen is that others will reject us. But let’s think more closely. Has rejection ever killed anyone? What does it mean that some people do not accept us as we are? Whose problem is it, us or theirs?

One exercise that Albert Ellis gives is to lure a banana down the street as if it were our pet, talking to it, stroking it, pulling it off the leash…

Another exercise is to stop someone on the street and tell this that you have just gotten out of the crazy room and would like to know what year it is now. For example, you can sing your favorite song on the street or go out dressed in a funny outfit. The exercise you choose must really activate your feelings of shame. The idea is that you learn to put up with shame and put things in the right proportions.

You may surprise yourself…

You might think that “I could never do that, I would look crazy!” And you might be right. But surprisingly, many people don’t care what you do. We create non-existent disasters in our heads the more we think of something.

In other words, we begin to believe that everyone rejects us, we never get their approval, it becomes absolutely awful, being rejected means that we are completely worthless, etc. But when we do Albert Ellis’s exercise, we finally realize that all these mistakes of thinking – make us draw unrealistic conclusions.

It is true that some people look at us badly or even offend us, but if we really look at them, we will probably see dissatisfaction and sadness on their faces. That is, they already have problems in their own lives. It has nothing to do with us. But some people – most – laugh with us. Some even attend our little show and don’t criticize us harshly. We might even make new friends.

It should not be forgotten that they too are just people. They too mumble and sometimes make themselves a fool. They make mistakes, correct them, feel, etc. If they criticize you, it’s just their problem, never yours. As long as you don’t hurt anyone, you’re free to do whatever you want.

Does any other good exercise come to mind in your shame? Do you dare to try it?