Do You Know What An Evasive Attachment Style Is?
Affection is a close emotional bond we form with people who care about us and give us security. This is very powerful in the early stages of our lives, when we depend entirely on the protection of the people around us to survive. In this sense, affection is naturally formed to ensure survival. But it also pretty much determines the nature of our earliest human relationships. Avoidant attachment style is another important concept we are exploring today.
When the adults who take care of us do their jobs well, we are most likely to form safe attachment relationships, regardless of our temperament. We are dependent on another person, but it does not evoke feelings of anxiety or frustration in us. Instead, if we are not cared for as a child or are rejected, our attachment relationships are most likely to become insecure. This is one form of addiction that is full of distress and indifference.
These bonds of the first years of our lives have a big impact on how we form emotional relationships with other people later. Unless we try to make a conscious contribution. So one could say that those early ties leave a deep, almost permanent mark on us. It can be seen how in adulthood we tend to repeat the attachment style we learned in early childhood. So one way or another, our early attachments have already told us what we can or cannot expect from other people, whether it was true or not.
Attachment theory
John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, became interested in the concept of affection and developed a theory about it. Based on his observations, he developed the idea that we have a phylogenetic tendency to form bonds with others. These ties are formed especially to those people who give or should give (realized this or not) to us protection and security.
Later, psychologist Mary Dinsmore Ainsworth identified three different modes of attachment that were safe, avoidant, and repulsive. According to their research, most people get attached in the first way, but many fall into the other two categories.
A secure attachment allows for the building of strong and spontaneous emotional bonds. Insecure attachment (opposing and avoiding), in turn, results in strong repression of emotions and difficulties in establishing close bonds with other people.
Where do the different ways of attachment come from
When parents respond well and have enough access to their children, children form strong and secure bonds. In this case, children behave in a predictable way. If the mother leaves, they cry and feel uncomfortable for a few seconds until they reassemble themselves. When the mother returns, the child shows happiness and expresses love and joy.
If parents are externally distant or show signs of rejecting their child, or if they are instead too prescriptive, the child / baby is most likely to become insecure. In this case, the child sees that his needs are not being met or he fears that they will not be met for a while. This gives rise to anxiety and avoidance as a means of protecting themselves from the rejection or indifference they anticipate.
Children may even learn that expressions of love annoy people who love them: his parents. So they start saving their parents from their own feelings. Under these circumstances, when the mother leaves, the child barely reacts. When the mother returns, the child remains distant and self-sufficient. This is how false independence develops for them.
The effects of evasive affection and how to get over it
The effects of avoidant affection follow a person into adulthood. Children raised under those conditions become adults who are almost unable to express their feelings. And not only to express, but also to know and recognize them. They try to distance themselves emotionally from everything and everyone. They may be indifferent to others close to and conflict with their own feelings.
These people are trying to find a solution to their problems in the outside world because they are consciously not valuing their inner world at all.
This situation is particularly reflected in relationships. They are anxious about the possible loss of their partner. They think that by not showing or minimizing their emotions, they are preventing potential suffering. They escape genuine conversations and get scared before they even happen. Instead of expressing their disapproval in words, they do so through outrage and artificial quarrels. They suffer a lot because they can’t love calmly. Instead, they love as if it were a threat hanging over their heads, a threat they are often unable to recognize.
While attachment patterns tend to remain the same, it is always possible to develop and hone them. Sometimes the experience of losing a loved one brings change. Sometimes change is brought about by a psychotherapist. It is also possible to become aware of one’s own model of attachment and work on it as an individual to learn to interact with others in a more constructive way.
Overcoming evasive affection is achieved by restoring the relationship between a person and his inner world. In many cases, it succeeds by repairing a damaged, painful (unidentified) self-esteem. Only when this relationship is healthy can a person think of the inner worlds of their loved ones. That is, empathy for the feelings of others only arises when a person begins to think about his or her own feelings.
In this sense, it is very important to change their ways of communicating, to dismantle them, whatever happened. This gives us the ability to express our feelings in a controlled way, allowing others to accept them, appreciate them, and in some cases act on them.
This is easier said than done, but if it’s hard to learn, it’s even harder to learn from it. Let’s think that what we learned in early childhood, or much of it, is the foundation on which we build the rest of our knowledge and the ways that characterize us now. Sometimes it is highly recommended to seek help from a professional. Otherwise, the earthquake we cause by moving a piece as important as our way of attachment could destroy us.
