The Trick To Good Communication

By communication, we mean any act designed to send a message to other people who then receive our message correctly. Defined in this way, it seems so easy that it is a bit absurd to write an article on the subject, but in reality,  communication is much more difficult than we think. It requires certain skills and a lot of practice.

In fact, most conflicts between people originate from poor communication,  which is why learning this ability is essential if we want to have good quality social relationships.

Humans are quite mechanical. We act automatically, which can cause problems when we interact with others. How often we regret something we said to someone who is dear to us! How often could we have avoided conflict if we had expressed ourselves better!

Why are we so bad at communicating?

According to experts, there are two main theories that explain our inability to communicate: deficiency theory and motivation theory.

According to the theory of deficiency, things do not go well because we are unlearned. This means we have no idea what to do and how to do it to build good relationships. As we mentioned earlier, we are taught to read, write, and solve problems, but no one teaches us to communicate effectively or solve problems that result from this inefficiency.

Motivation theory, on the other hand , suggests that we have bad relationships with others because we lack sufficient motivation to approach the people we are dealing with.

But if I think about this a little more, I could add one more theory: the theory of demand. When you argue with someone and get too nervous, it’s because you demand the other to be the way you want him or her to be, and not the way he or she really is. So in your attempt to change him, you confront him, yell at him, you become hostile, you complain to him profusely.

Therefore, the first and most important step is to become aware of reality: people are not going to change to please you, and you should not require anyone to be something that you want them to be.

Change starts with you

So who needs to change? Well, not that other person, but yours. Every change you want to make in your life must begin with your own will and your own actions. And this is because you are the only person over whom you have real control.

Forget about controlling another person because there is nothing you can do to change him. What you can do is move your own game pieces and rebuild the game. In other words, if you change what you do yourself, the other person will react differently. But he never changes because you got mad at him; he simply builds a protective wall.

You need to look at yourself and become aware of how you communicate.  If you want a change, a diary can help. Mark there how you act in social situations, whether your behavior is effective, and try to change it if not.

The trick to good communication

There is a trick to effective communication, but it is not magic. You need to be prepared to see the effort ahead for change, because it won’t happen overnight. Below we list some effective communication techniques that will help you improve your interpersonal relationships with others, argue less, and feel better around people.

• Disarmament: This involves finding the truth about what the other person is saying. You have to keep in mind that, firstly, there is no absolute truth, and secondly, no one is absolutely right about anything. Therefore, put your ego aside and recognize the truth in the other person’s claim. This way you open the door for another person to listen to you. He feels understood and relaxed, and he is more willing to listen to you.

• Be empathetic: this involves putting yourself in another person’s shoes and knowing his or her feelings without you having to share his or her opinion. For another person to feel your empathy, you need to repeat his or her words, become aware of his or her feelings, and pay attention to what he or she is saying.

• Questioning: You are not a psychic, which means you may go through things in your head over and over again, but you are too ashamed, lazy or afraid to ask for clarification. It is essential to ask questions to avoid misunderstandings and you can learn more about how the other person thinks and feels. Questions should be asked subtly and with respect.

• “I feel like…”: Never start the phrase “you…” in a way that accuses them, such as, “you make me nervous,” or “you’re an idiot”. The only person responsible for your emotional state is you, no one else. You feel bad because you want another person to be someone other than who he or she is, and that’s absurd. Therefore, take responsibility for your own feelings and say what you feel.
• Caring: Always end a conflict with something positive and pleasant that shows the other person that you value him or her, even if you are angry at the moment. This makes him feel more at peace and he is less on the defensive.