When You’re Afraid Of Upstream Swimming: Being Different

Becoming accepted by others is a very instinctive need. People are inherently social, happy to be part of a group, and sad to be marginalized. When we feel outsiders, a thousand-year-old alarm begins to sound deep in our brains. We know that if we are alone, we are more vulnerable to any danger lurking around the corner.

This gives rise to our fears of going upstream and being different. This also gives rise to our dangerous tendency to join the masses without thinking. We are especially horrified that we would be different from others.

The worrying side of this fact is that sometimes the prevailing social current goes against an acceptable or desirable current. The most obvious example, of course, is Nazism. Many people joined this sick, inhumane movement out of fear. They all looked in the same direction. As absurd as it is, many people believed it was better to follow the flow than to resist.

But this is not just happening at huge, historic events. There are also countless daily situations where this happens. It happens with bullying, for example. While many know deep down that it is not right, they remain silent. Or they join the ranks of bullies just to avoid fighting the current. What about that fear? Is there any way to get rid of it?

Remember the fear of thinking differently and being different

In a way, we are all encouraged to create a certain kind of personality that represents us socially. It means that  someone has told us what we should always be like since we were born. What should I do and what should I not do? How should I act? But this doesn’t always – or even often – fully match what we really are or want to do.

To be a part of society and culture, we need to distort ourselves a little. We have to respect the flow, even if we don’t want to. Or learn to eat using silverware, even if it is pointless and complicated. That’s the price we have to pay if we want to be accepted in a group of people. Partly for that reason, we present one or more “additional personalities”.

Why do we accept these rules of the game? Just because if we didn’t accept, we would be rejected or punished. Other people will not accept that we do what we want. So usually they oppose, gently but effectively, any view that differs from the group.

They set boundaries for us, but they don’t always explain it and we don’t always understand it. However, in general, we learn to act according to their rules because we are afraid to do otherwise.

Growing means becoming more independent and perhaps different

Some people never get a chance to get over childhood. When we are small, adults tell us what to do. We get used to following advice, usually not knowing why. We are taught good and evil in absolute terms,  where our opinions and feelings don’t matter very much.

Growing means understanding the “why” question behind these norms, boundaries, and limitations. It also means deciding how well it fits our desires  and then acting on it. To do all this, we need to give up the fear of thinking for ourselves. It’s time to explore who we are outside of the person we’ve learned to portray.

As we recognize that we are adults, we begin to see that we have the resources to disagree and swim upstream.  First, of course, we need to know what we agree on. That is where our vision comes from. And our vision is what gives us the strength to be different, if only we need to be.

Unfortunately, we don’t always end that process. Sometimes we choose not to grow. It is hard work that requires effort and perseverance. Not everyone is willing to walk away from that person they have built alongside their true self.

Not everyone wants to be faced with the fear of being themselves. But those who do so get freedom. They also get a chance to plan their own destiny in harmony with who they really are.

Photos provided by James Bullogh.